What Do You See in Him Anyway

imagesCAJCAZ8X

And he took your love for granted and

He left you high and dry

But you know someday,

When you’ll wonder on what you see in him anyway

When that day arrives we’ll live on

Ocean drive

Lighthouse Family – Ocean drive

 

 

The lyrics that played in your head as you remembered him. He doesn’t come into your thought anymore and you wouldn’t even have remembered him if a friend hadn’t mentioned his name.

The name you used to love, the man you used to care for with your whole heart. The one who loved you, hurt you and then hurt you some more. Even then you used to wonder what you saw in him; there was nothing a sane girl would love about a man like him. Yet you loved him and even you couldn’t explain why. The days after you found courage to walk away; you decided that yours was the love of a victim. The more he maltreated you, the more you loved him.

He would call you names. Idiot, fool, stupid, bastard, retard ….. those were some of the nicer ones. You would cry yourself to sleep on several nights praying and asking God to change him and afterwards you would ask yourself if you were crazy to be praying that God should change a man you were not even married to.

Why don’t you just leave Folake?” You would ask yourself.

I can’t leave, I love him, and he needs me.” You would reply yourself

 

—-

 

On the few occasions when things were good, they were really good. He was the best man to be with on such days and so you would tell yourself that he is not really all that bad. You could never predict what would trigger his anger, they were that erratic. Even the things you did thinking he would be happy could make him mad. You just couldn’t be sure and so you took great care in all you do.

 

—-

 

You are a daydreamer, it’s what you love doing. You would try to imagine your future with him but the pictures were always blurred. That was unusual, your visions were almost always clear yet the visions of your future with him looked bleak, blurry and depressing.

That alone was enough reason to leave but fear won’t let you.

If I leave him, how will I cope?”

I will miss being with him.”

What if no other man comes my way?”

Where do I start from?”

I have spent several years with him already; will all that go to waste?”

What will my friends say?”

Leaving him will mean accepting failure and I am not a failure.”

A lot of people know us together already, it will be so shameful.”

Someone has to marry him anyway”

Perhaps this is the cross meant for me to carry, everyone has theirs or don’t they?”

 

—-

 

Some days he would call you and demand that you move the phone towards the television just so he could be sure it was the television he heard and not that a man was in the room with you. Other times you would have to give the phone to your sister or neighbor so he could be sure you were home. You also had to scream “I love you” each time he called otherwise he would suspect foul play.

—–

The day your liberation came, no bells rang, no doors crashed. It happened so simply you didn’t even know you just got liberated. It was during one of those periods when you and him have the fights that happened for no reason at all. The days when you would check your call history and realize you have dialed his number for up to fifty times without any response. You would ask yourself if you were still sane or crazy to have called someone that many times. On such days you would walk around with the world on your shoulders, weighing you down with every step. It would be as though your life was incomplete and all for nothing unless you heard his voice.

 

—-

Your liberator bore no resemblance to superman; he was just a man like any other yet the differences were easy to note and they slapped you in the face. He is gentle where the other was brash and harsh. He is polite where the other was offensive.

He is what the English call a gentleman and you couldn’t even believe it. He is too good to be true, you told yourself. He must be pretending, no man can be this good. Men are all the same, he is going to change once I let him into my life.

 

—–

You really wanted to try, at that stage the visions of your future with your boyfriend was finally clear. You could see the future and it was filled with sadness, despair, domestic violence and infidelity. You sat yourself down and asked if you had the strength for such a future, you told yourself you didn’t and willed yourself to leave. Yet you were so weak, too weak to let go. Like a dangerous habit or addiction, he was under your skin and it would take serious intervention to get him out. Finally you sought God, you asked him to help. You gave him two options; it was easier that way for you.

You said God;

If it is your will that I should have an unhappy future, then let me marry this man but if there is another man out there that could make it all right, that could bring me happiness, that could show me what it means to be loved and cherished then lord please bring him speedily.

After that prayer you relaxed and you began to realize that you could do without him after all, you stopped calling and it was painless. You discover a day could go by without you thinking of him. You started spending more time with the gentleman. You realize this was home, where you were meant to be, where your happiness lay and so you relaxed and allowed him to show you what love really is.

 

—–

The brute came back with a force, the moment he noticed you had gotten over your addiction, the moment he noticed you were happy and he wasn’t the reason. He couldn’t live with the fact that he was no longer important. He came back a seemingly changed man desperate to persuade you he could be good. He reminded you that the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know. You told him to go to hell that what would you be doing with the devil when you could be with an angel. He cried and pleaded. He told you he couldn’t live without you, he said his world will end but you didn’t listen, you were unmoved.

You couldn’t recognize yourself. You never thought a day would come that his presence would become irritating, that his voice would mean nothing, that his tears would have no effect. You were over him and it was massive. You felt like someone who suddenly discovered Indomie after feeding on earthworms for years. He noticed and he was scared, the fear brought back the monster and he started to attack and threaten you. You laughed when you saw his real self reappear. Whatever did I see in this brute anyway you thought telling him to get lost and never come back.

It was easy to forget him, your gentleman made that possible. He erased all the hurt with his love, his attention. He treats you like a precious gem and loves you completely and sincerely. In a short while you forgot he existed and the few times you remember him now, you feel nothing, no pain, no regret just praise to God for delivering you.

And here is your song:

 

O ti mumi gbagbe oooo, ibanuje igba kan

You have made me forget the sorrows I once lived with

Ase were nise oluwa

I never knew the Lord could so easily turn my situation around

Oba ti mo pe to’n je

The King I call that answers

Ase were nise oluwa

I never knew the Lord could so easily turn my situation around

Oba ti mo pe to’n je

The King I call that answers

 

 

 

Foot note:

He  or she is abusive? Or is it that it just doesn’t feel right? Leave now and forget all your fears and insecurities. Don’t get married to someone who abuses you verbally, psychologically or physically just because you think you can’t get someone better. Yes there is a man or woman out there waiting to love you, waiting to show you who a real man or woman is. He or she  is out there but they may never find you unless you let go of the brute. You deserve better, you deserve happiness; do not let the enemy tell you otherwise.

Just bring God in, let him intervene. Trust me you can’t do it alone.

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22 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. kolawole
    Jul 09, 2013 @ 16:52:20

    Very interesting and educative. You struck it well. The more I read stuffs like this, the more I want to treat her right. I appreciate this piece, it makes me think and think again, it is not only me.
    If to say na just me
    I’ll be doing any how
    Because nobody go dey dia to challenge me.
    Well done (@kolawole_john)
    She has got a gentleman.

    Reply

  2. maxxokoedion
    Jul 09, 2013 @ 17:17:40

    God bless you Toyin!

    This happens both ways you know but usually it’s the abusive guy’s own that is seen.

    When you have to convince yourself of the person’s good, when no one around you can see their goodness but only you does, let it go baby. Life shouldn’t be that hard. It’s better to be alone than to be with the wrong person.

    Bless you.

    Reply

  3. degreatest2
    Jul 09, 2013 @ 17:28:01

    This is great Toyin! I am loving this… God bless u, we all have something to learn from this.

    Reply

  4. aunty Hotstuff
    Jul 09, 2013 @ 17:45:58

    Great story and the songs were perfect. The final song made me smile 🙂

    Reply

  5. 9jaBloke
    Jul 09, 2013 @ 18:53:21

    Another fabulous piece from The Fab One!! The reality in your fictional writing is so deeply rooted to the extent that it simply plays out like a movie in my subconscious when l read you. I am certain every single lady out there in an abusive relationship can and should relate to this. Truer words have not been spoken. This is such an inspiration. Well done!

    Reply

  6. tomiadesina
    Jul 09, 2013 @ 19:14:45

    The thing is, some people even go through this with Men they are not in a relationship with, but they just seem to have ‘that’ connection with. Sad! As usual, Toyin Fab, is Fabulous!

    Reply

  7. hollasheni
    Jul 09, 2013 @ 19:28:07

    WOW….. Simply waohhh.

    Reply

  8. G
    Jul 09, 2013 @ 19:46:21

    Gbam!!! No man/woman is indispensable!!

    If God has not chosen someone for you, don’t force it!

    Brilliant piece, Toyin

    Reply

  9. Clarion
    Jul 09, 2013 @ 20:23:58

    This is simply…Beautiful! Any one who has gone through. And survived an abusive relationship will relate…and hopefully anyone who is currently in one can find the strength to let go and be free. Love this!

    Reply

  10. flurfyheart
    Jul 09, 2013 @ 20:39:04

    Toyin, u must be an Angel. U struck it, u knw what going on in my life this particular moment. I’m really trying hard to let it go. Happiness is out there waiting for me. *smile*

    Reply

  11. grace
    Jul 09, 2013 @ 20:49:53

    Nice piece……..I hummed d 1st song*smiles* but can’t humm d 2nd song yet ooo *smiles*.hope dis serves as a nudge to whom it concerns.

    Reply

  12. amaeze
    Jul 09, 2013 @ 22:01:04

    For every woman out there, a call to stop living with any kind of abuse.

    Reply

  13. zeenike
    Jul 10, 2013 @ 02:21:00

    Just like the one I wrote earlier today, if you don’t leave an abusive relationship when you can you may find out it’s too late. A word is enough.
    Imagine! I can’t even imagine the thought of someone raising his hand to me or calling me names. I’m just vexing here.

    Reply

  14. chimdi
    Jul 10, 2013 @ 06:14:06

    Toyin ma,u r really touching lives thru ur articles,d truth will always set free.continue dis gud work n may God bless u real gud.I admire u,iyaale mi*winks*

    Reply

    • toyinfabs
      Jul 10, 2013 @ 06:32:16

      *Sigh* this madam ehn! Anyway me and you know who be the real iyaale between us. Daalu Nwanne’m. I admire you too iyaale mi. *tongue out*

      Reply

  15. seunodukoya
    Jul 10, 2013 @ 07:15:43

    Food for thought.

    I think the issue here is mostly self-esteem issues. People don’t have any sense of self-worth so they put up with the worst just to feel validated. Sad.

    Keep putting this out there. Will help someone.

    Nice.

    Reply

    • maxxokoedion
      Jul 10, 2013 @ 07:38:38

      Dear Seun, it will surprise you to know that being with the wrong person doesn’t necessarily boil down to self-esteem issues and taking whatever is dished out. You can have pristine self-esteem and still experience this pain. At least until you wake up and decide to give yourself better. Sometimes you just love someone to your own hurt. Not because of anything special in them but because you are special and you want them to become better people. In the end God is the only Messiah. Only a taste of the pain can give proper understanding of what the victims go through.

      Reply

  16. Dikachim
    Jul 10, 2013 @ 07:39:38

    Great Great piece. Well done.

    Reply

  17. Yetundeadebiaye
    Jul 10, 2013 @ 16:07:29

    A lot of females are in bondage. Facing challenges! A friend of mine was once a victim, she was married without any child, the guy used to beat her silly until one day neighbours called her father and said he might meet his daughter’s dead body one day oh. So he went and packed her stuff home. But she used to tell me then that she didn’t understand why she couldn’t get pregnant because when she was a teenager, she was a pig and usually get pregnant easily. (Personally, I judged her there and then, no wonder she couldn’t have a child again) later she divorced the guy, married another and she’s highly happy now from all indications. She has 3 kids now for her new husband. This is highly inspiring, encouraging and supportive! TY! Thanks. You’re too much.

    Reply

  18. Adewoyin Joseph
    Jul 11, 2013 @ 10:28:31

    Hmmmn… I like this!

    Reply

  19. herbby
    Jul 24, 2013 @ 11:39:34

    Reblogged this on herbby's Blog.

    Reply

  20. ABIOLA BAYODE
    Apr 28, 2015 @ 10:35:39

    Toyin dear, this writeup is beautiful, you made me remember what used to happen before i met Christ and brought him to take charge. The story changed when He gave me a man of His heart and my marriage has been glowing .When God steps in , He gives one a New Beginning of love, peace and joy. Our singles need to know that, until God steps in, the story will never change, it will be from frying pan to fire.

    Reply

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